Over the last several years, I’ve found I really don’t get much of a charge from vanilla sex. Now don’t get me wrong, I love to cuddle, kiss and hold my baby girl tight. There is nothing better. But my greatest sexual satisfaction comes from my primal urges. The more aggressive the better.

However, with db I have stumbled upon a bit of a personal quandary. I want to hurt her sexually (not abuse or traumatize, but to create sexual energy and emotional connection) but I’m having to work my way through “hurting” her. She is a little and needs extra special care. I don’t want to overwhelm her. She is fragile. I need her to LOVE submitting and suffering for me and I’m slowly learning exactly what that looks like. I also know that we both want this. She gets an incredible amount of satisfaction from taking the pain I need to give her. It’s the true sign of a real submissive and of her love for me.

Example:

She hates, I mean HATES spankings. But the resulting benefit is more than she has ever experienced. She cries when I spank her, something she has never done. It releases a flood of emotions that are welled up inside her.  And she loves the bonding that continues to grow as a result. I spank hard. Harder than she has ever had. I have a sadistic side. She doesn’t use her safe word.  She doesn’t want to. She takes it because she trusts me and knows I have her best interest at heart. She also knows the pleasure I derive from administering her maintenance spankings.

Example:

We experienced figging this past weekend. She was so scared but did amazingly well and I was very proud of her. She did more than moan. It hurt …  a lot. But she trusted me. To top it off, she took the most severe spanking I’ve ever administered immediately after the root was removed. She turned in to a crying, blubbering mess of emotion. When we were done and as she lay cuddled on my chest with a blanket around her, she experienced a peace I’d never seen before.

The point is, I am having to ease my way into causing her pain and this is new for me.  I don’t want to traumatize her. I want to carry her gently into a sexual realm that is best for both of us.  She is not a masochist but she does want to please me. And the dynamic takes her to a place where she feels a deep joy and serenity. That’s all I really want for her.

There is a balance. We will find our way. I will allow her to experience more challenging aspects of my primal and sadistic urges as we proceed. She will teach me how to do that by allowing me to love her enough to take her there gently and safely. Most importantly, this needs to fulfill us both equally. And it has.

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