I use the title of this post as a subtitle for my blog. I’ve wondered who else might have heard the phrase (no, it’s not original). I wonder if any have scratched their heads regarding its meaning.
There have been a few posts recently that reference the disease of addiction, something I am very familiar with. I’m writing this post for myself and others. Others that may have a limited understanding of the disease of addiction and recovery, and others that might need hope from a fellow sufferer.
I’m a recovered alcoholic. I got sober June 12, 2006. I was at a point in my life where I couldn’t drink and I couldn’t not drink. Some used to ask “why don’t you just stop?” Believe me I tried for years. I would often wake in the morning and tell myself I will not drink again … and I meant it from the bottom of my heart! But by afternoon, that conviction had flown out the window. It was perplexing and instilled a sense of worthlessness and shame that could only be borne with more drinking and drugging. How do you explain that to someone? To a normal person, there is no explanation possible. To a fellow alcoholic there is no explanation necessary.
Check out this monologue by Craig Ferguson some years back.
So I cried “Uncle” and had to find some folks that could relate to my dilemma and help me. I just wanted to quit drinking. What I got was exponentially more. It wasn’t a better life. It was a new life.
I quickly realized that removing the drink and drug was akin to tearing off a small corner of a piece of paper. The alcoholism was the rest of the paper. You see, the drink was but a symptom of the disease. There was much more that had to be done. It was to be a lifetime of vigilance but also an exploration into myself. I have to apply my recovery to every aspect of my life if I am going to be at peace. Lee Iacocca once said everyone should have the opportunity to go through a 12-step program. The drink is taken away and I was left with myself.
Eight years later and I have so much more than I ever expected. I found a spiritual connection that sustains me through all of life. Since getting sober I have been through my share of trials, tribulations, beauty and wonder. I’ve been broke and survived. I gotten a divorce. I’ve explored relationships, both D/s and vanilla. I’ve experienced a wonderful relationship with my children. I’ve battled and survived depression. I’ve found peace and a God of my understanding. I’ve had to look hard and deep within myself and get honest (I’m a scuba diver). I’ve had to be patient. My business has once again thrived. And I have fallen in love (guess who?).
My active alcoholism bled into my family. Today, my recovery does. It pervades into all aspects of my life. When I write on this blog, the goodness I have been blessed with can be shared with others.
I don’t want to drink any more. I haven’t for many years. Today, I continue my recovery journey for emotional sobriety. It has allowed me to love my children, to run a business, to accept hardship, to find love. It has allowed me to embrace my kinky sexuality and desire to give and receive true love.
It has also allowed me to reconcile things like molestation by an older brother. Deep feelings of shame from a dysfunctional family. I’ve learned these are not what define me. My thinking and fears are a product of many things but most of these thoughts and fears are not based in reality. The reality is I am a child of my God. I have assets and defects. It is my responsibility to embrace both; to use the assets for good and maintain vigilance of the defects, recognize when they crop up and be willing to adjust accordingly.
I have a deadly, chronic condition. It is my responsibility to treat my condition every day. I may not feel the urge to run to the liquor store but my emotional condition and spiritual connection must be a part of my daily routine. This is what has worked for me.
It’s allowed me to love and be loved. It’s allowed me to be comfortable in my own skin. It has given me peace and serenity. It’s allowed me to wear the world like a loose garment.
Cinn said:
So proud of you my Daddy, my Sir. My hero ❤
I'm so glad you share yourself and your story.
Love you.
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Hunter said:
Love you too doll baby.
Let it rip, Angel ……
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wildwestangel said:
Damn IT TO HELL!!! You two kill me with your sweetness. Every day I fall more deeply (kiddie pool) in love with you both. I’m so blessed to have two such pure and tender people in my life. Your combined story is beautiful to me, but even better is your single stories of triumph.
Now, I’m going to go clean up the puke off the floor.
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Cinn said:
Reblogged this on CinnamonAndSparkles and commented:
Sharing the awesomeness that is my Sir…. xo
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wildwestangel said:
He is pretty awesome. Good thing I’m married to Mr. Hottie or I’d have to knife fight you for him. 😉 xo
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Cinn said:
It is a good thing. I’d hate to have to take out a bestie 🙂
xo
PS. I love you sugar.
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wildwestangel said:
Love you more, Chica.
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Dawn D said:
I am lucky that I have never become addicted to anything. Or maybe food? I don’t know, I don’t think so. But I know that it was a conscious choice I made very early on in my life. Drinking or smoking or any other drug scared me. The reason they scared me was because I was afraid that I’d like their effects so much that I would give in. And that I’d lose control of my life. And losing control then was just out of the question.
So I never started to drink. Today, I am grateful. It means that I am able to enjoy a glass here and here.
I am not writing this to say that I am better than you. Just to say that I understand how easy it is to fall for what looks like something helpful, a crutch. And that I am glad I was able to avoid it, because I am not sure I would have had the strength necessary to get out of the addiction.
I am sorry you had to go through these awful experiences as a child and then as an addicted adult. And I commend you for finding the strength to take your life into your own hands and battle these demons.
Finally, I thank you for sharing this with us. Making us see that being a Dom doesn’t mean not being vulnerable. On the contrary. It means having vulnerabilities, knowing them and embracing them so that you can own them rather than them owning you.
It also means taking your vulnerabilities and using them to soar to knew heights. And that I can relate to.
Thank you sir.
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insignificantearthling said:
“I’ve found peace and a God of my understanding.” I love that. I believe spirituality is personal. Good for you. I am still trying to figure out my absolute truths.
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tieme8 said:
Congratulations on your recovery and successes. Continued blessings.
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genuinesubgirl said:
This a wonderful, honest very *real* post … thank you so much for sharing. There are so many who need these words and you have no idea how you will help someone (or someones) who need them.
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Annie B said:
Hunter, you are a source of light every time I read your words. You make an impact every day.
Annie B
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cumminsgirl said:
I’ll just ditto all of the above comments 🙂
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BoPeep said:
Mr. Freedom Hunter, thank you . I admire your inner strength to overcome and control this addiction, and your willingness to share it with us. Whether or not there was abuse in our pasts, many of us are consciously or unconsciously seeking to banish demons. It sounds as though a final piece of your life is clicking into place, I’m very excited for you and Cinn!
All the best,
Peep
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theagingsub said:
Just beautiful, Mr. Hunter. I appreciate your sharing with us.
Kay💜
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Ash and Alder said:
Thank you, Mr Hunter, Sir.
A close friend of mine in RL is a recovered alcoholic with a story similar to yours. She too has found new love and fulfilment.
It is no small victory to reclaim your life in this way.
Ash
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The Muscleheaded Blog said:
You wrote up a storm, here– nicely done !
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thecheekyhousewife said:
Congrats on your sobriety. It works if you work it! 😉
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MydarlingsSir said:
You are indeed a scuba diver…..and an inspiring one at that. Going deeper can be hard, but the peace that can be found there is amazing. I know it has been for me. Keep swimming….I look forward to one day sitting down and chatting about what we’ve found in the depths that we have searched. Congratulations on your sobriety and new found life. Great post my friend.
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