Elisabeth Kubler-Ross modeled the five stages of the grief process. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. We’ve all experienced these, probably many times in our lives whether we knew it or not. There are at least two people I know of that are currently feeling some element of grief and likely will for some time. These feelings should never be denied or suppressed. Feelings help us grow.
I’ve gotten some lovely comments from some wonderful people. However the most important have been from Cinn. She’s doing as well or better than I could have imagined and for that I am grateful. But we are both hurting.
I discovered I cannot combine my sadistic and kinky side with the emotional attachment and care of a sweet tender soul. I cannot reconcile those two things. As cliché as it sounds, it’s childhood shit that would take a dozen posts to begin to describe (perhaps one day as I continue to explore). But it’s very real. I tried to work through, and ultimately ignore it, but it was a futile attempt. I had to make a very difficult decision.
The last thing I want to do is hurt her. And I believe she knows that unequivocally. She is the sweetest, most tender soul I’ve ever encountered. She told me she sensed it some time ago. She’s so bright and intuitive. But we were both trying to pretend it wasn’t real. We discussed going in, that things may not work. But we gave it a try.
So many people both here and in her personal world care deeply for her. She needs that. I’m also blessed with people here and in my personal world that care deeply for me. I need that. I have promised her I will do everything I can to make her transition as painless as possible. Thank you to those who have reached out to us both. All that really matters is that she and I know the reality of our situation. This will continue to evolve for each of us. We are looking after each other as much as we can. And to all of the dear friends of Cinn, know that she will always hold a special place in my heart and mind. She will forever be my friend. She has made me a better man. And hopefully I’ve been able to help her become a better woman.
Much love to you all.